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3/30

Josh started talking to me tonight. So... I just let him have it. I started out nice. I said what's your game here? And he told me that he was hurt, that Frank and I are the worst people in the world, and he intends to stop talking to both of us and block me from all social media forever, once we pay this last bill next week.

That he thought of Frank as a brother, and Frank made a pact with him a long time ago, and he broke it. That he can't trust either of us, because I am so willing to do something he hates, so we must go.

That I can't exist in his life with anyone other than him.

That it hurts too much to see me happy without him.

That I am a loathsome human being for fucking his friend.

So he will sever contact forever. Because he trusts me (us) less than he would casual strangers, so poof (his words).

Needless to say, I was upset by this.

Not only did he intend to ghost me with no warning, leaving me to have to contact people reach out and make sure he's alive, which is him completely disregarding the very real worry I have caused by Tony's suicide, he intends to sever ties so completely abd eternally, that he will be completely abandoning his neice. He will be the first man to break her heart.

Hopefully, we can get around this. But only time will tell.

He had the gall to say "even if you were to tell me you'd stop seeing Frank right this instant, I'd still be doing this because you're so willing to do something I hate."

Uh.... huh. As if I'd ever, ever choose you over Frank?

Anyway. I was devastated for the kid. But outside of that, I knew this was coming more or less, because I was going to inform him I was doing it to him. If course mine was going to be less forever. But just as much for his own good.

Hopefully he figures himself out.

3/29

Today was so nice.
Frank and I went to A-Mountain. Neither of us have been there before. The A wasn't painted of course (I was annoyed), but the walk to the summit was nice and easy, and there was a half wall built like a bench up there. So, we sat above the A and hung out and talked for like an hour. And we were completely uninterrupted. It was just so, so nice. Then when we got home, Frank got a package that he said was for my stash for Sunday, but he let me open it early, and it was Paperback <3 <3 <3 !!!! So we played it of course! And it was great! And I can't wait to play it with Jesse and Brian. And it's MY game so I get to take it home and play it with my sister, too. But I wont until I play it with the guys first. It's a bit of a deck builder and I want to play it with people who know how to deck build before I have to teach my sister how to do it, haha. AND I'm gonna buy some nice card sleeves for it, too!
After leaving, I ran the dog, prepped my food for the next few days, did some homework, and here I am.

Seriously, I guess words cannot convey how truly fantastic today was. If every day off went like this for the rest of my life, I'd be incandescent. I don't even want to go to bed, I'm just not ready for it to be over.

Arguments

One day, Frank and I are gonna argue.
I hope he raises his voice.
That would be so hot.
But I'd still tell him to stop.

IM IN A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP

BAM.
I mean the relationship part doesn't matter, I do just fine alone.
But the Frank part is important 😍

3/18

Ten weeks ago, I hung out until 4am and had the time of my life playing Cookie & Cream with Jesse, Frank, and Brian. That night, halfway through the evening, it was waaaay too cold to sit in my usual next-to-Frank chair, and I relocated to near the space heater. Then after he smoked, Frank sat next to ME for the next board game. It was awesome. I'm pretty sure it meant nothing but no one's gonna officially tell me that. He always sat in the same chair until he sat by me!!!

Anyway. Then like. 6 days later Jesse was all, hey when are you gonna make a move on Frank and I was all psh never maybe if I get drunk wow is it hot in here??

Then a day or two after that I found myself at a kitchen table with Brian and Frank eating pizza while Jesse was at a party and they offered me alcohol. And I drank it. Like all of it. And I complained about my ex and danced in my chair to random music on youtube and probably ruined Jiffs enjoyment of whatever board game we were playing because I wasn't paying attention. And then Jesse came home and reminded everyone that I couldn't go home drunk, which I had genuinely not considered and Brian offered his bed, which I declined because every time I house sat for him I'd wake up after one night sick, and also because I wanted to sleep in Frank's bed, so then I slept in Frank's bed, and he was a gentleman and didn't touch me at all, and we fell asleep watching Lemony Snickett, and woke up at 4am and watched more Lemony Snickett, and after the Big Lebowski we watched MORE Lemony Snickett, and I was too nervous to do anything, I got as close as possible to him without touching him and then when I got up at one point probably to pee when I came back he put his arm out so that my option was to lay awkwardly on his arm or just throw caution to the wind and cuddle him so I curled right up on him and he put his arm around me and the rest is history.

3/14

I recently learned the term "Gaslighting" in regards to being in a relationship.

I genuinely wonder if I delt with this to a degree with Josh. It's possible that we were just too incompatible and that's why I spent the last 3 years apologizing for failing so hard and believing that I was a terrible girlfriend, but I wonder if there was more to it than that. Anyway, I'll never really know, and I won't throw the term around outside of this post.

3/12

Woah.

I spent so much time worrying, panicking, being in my head. I already mentioned the losing it yesterday. Well apparently it's what I needed. I needed to lose it, and be reacted to like I'm a human being. I don't even know how to explain it. Maybe that's not even it. Maybe I needed today to happen. Maybe I just needed to see how easily my life could accommodate something.

I realize I'm being vague, I do. I'm not really ready to not be vague, I guess. But everything just seems so much more real, and colorful, and alive, and fantastic. What's with that, huh?

Wow.

I went to the dog park with Frank today. It was nice. I told him I probably only have a few weeks left at my current schedule with the really convenient split days off where we both have the same day off on Wednesday. It kinda sucks but, you know, we'll figure it out. And he said,  well I can just go to sleep right after work and then spend time with you at night before I go to work," and it came out smooth, like he'd already thought of it. And my immediate response was that damn that would really suck for him. And he said well between our schedules compromising would have to happen.

And just. Can I just say if it was Josh, he'd be like "whelp sucks we just won't see each other unless you make the effort to come to me." I mean he wouldn't say THAT, but he would NOT make a suggestion that was at all inconvenient for him and then we WOULDN'T see each other unless I made the effort.

Anyway. I was really blown away by how easily he said that. Just like, well yeah it sucks but I want to see you,  so.

What?

Yeah :)

As an aside, I am so thankful for this whole LiveJournal nonsense. That I have had somewhere to pen everything bad about my last relationship. I can't just go telling telling everyone about it, that would be rude, and no one would want to hear it anywau, but I was able to get it all out here, regardless of the lack of audience.

3/11

Today has been quite the whirlwind. Ive been having mounting anxiety the last two days until I completely lost my cool about basically everything in my life today around noon. Since then, I steadily descended my large mountain of stress and somewhere around half an hour ago while watching "Crazy, Stupid Love" with my mother, I landed safely on the ground. It feels good to be sane again.

And surviving the last two days without cheating my meal plan has culminated in the turning over of a new leaf in my life with food. Suddenly, eating healthy isn't scary, and I'm really, truly excited to do it once all of this is over.

3/09

Today sucked. And it didn't. More Josh stuff. Also I'm craving brussel sprouts? The Josh stuff should be taken care of soon enough, and I'm anxious for it to be over and done with so that I can not worry about it anymore and can hang out with Frank in peace.

My BFF said she wants me to move to Michigan to be her next door neighbor, marry Frank so that we can both be married to Franks, and then get pregnant at the same time as her and have babies at the same time.

It's the most adorable idea ever.

I laughed at her. But I love her.

I don't really know where Frank and I are going right now. Any moving forward has been completely stalled by my emotional shortcomings. I mean we moved forward pretty quickly in the first month, so slowing down is fine, and he's very relaxed and accepting of my... general self.

If I'm being completely honest I've entered into the waiting-for-him-to-get-sick-of-me stage. I'm experiencing a mounting sense of fear and anxiety where he's concerned because it's just a matter of time before I become more of a burden than anything else. Maybe it's already happened. Ugh I need to get out of my head.

I don't think I'm gonna lose the 20 pounds for this challenge. Im remaining positive. If I lose 10 pounds in 6 weeks that's still 20 pounds lost this year so far. Its definitely a win. But at the same time, Im disappointed. Not in not losing 20 lbs, but in not being able to kick this challenge's ass. But everyone is different, and I've always known my body to lose weight slowly when Im doing it right, so this shouldn't be any different.

Today's wins were that I was happy. Happy while at work anyway. I had a majorly effective meeting with my boss to gameplan strategies to continue me on my career path, and I felt good. I feel like I am seeing small changes in my body, and though others can't see them, they make me proud of myself and what I've done so far.

3/05

Frank's presence is like magic.

First off, all he has to do is let his fingers brush against my arm and my skin heats up. Still. What is with that!?
Second, his general being is overwhelmingly calming.
And he's so positive. It's funny, he thinks I'm more positive than he is but if he's negative, it's all in his head because damn, that man has a plus side for everything.

I see him, and I can relax. And I can't relax. I'm happy, but also nervous. His eyes are calm, and telling. I can't hardly look at them for fear of losing myself. I'm afraid he doesn't actually like me and it's all just about getting laid. I remind myself that he has proven that to be false many times over. His hands are perfect. Strong and handsome. I am afraid I'm too fat. I tell myself to get over it because there's nothing I can do about that outside of what I'm already doing and nothing is going to happen overnight. I could go on like this for ages. Something about him that is wonderful, something about me that makes me anxious.

Anyway.

The point of this entry was just to say that today was so much better than yesterday, and though I definitely feel as though I'm in a two steps forward one step back sort of funk, I know that forward keeps happening whenever he's around. And it's great.

Still, I'm scared. Scared of getting hurt. Scared of being trapped. Scared of when everything goes all wrong. Scared that with hello there is always goodbye. Scared of feeling like I can't leave.

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