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2/12

I've got my feelings under control right now, but I know how I am, and I know that I have feelings slowly, and then all at once. I'm still just completely mind blown that any of this happened at all anyway. Fabulous was always just going to be that guy I had a fantastic crush on, that I would get more forward with when I was drunk, and that was always going to be okay. It's also foreign to me, to be in this middle ground where I'm completely level headed and self-aware, but still I enjoy spending time with this person and would like to do it more often. I like the feeling I'm at right now. Anything could happen and I wouldn't be ripped to shreds emotionally. There is definitely something to be said about that. Of course, I don't know if that feeling is just being a mature adult, or if it's self-preservation.

I'm still stuck on this feeling like I don't really know Fabulous all that well. But I do know I get to know him more every time I see him, so I'm sure this feeling will dissipate.

I have upgraded us to "seeing each other" from "kind of seeing each other." :) We've hung out a few times, we are still feeling each other out. We have fun. We are not hanging out with other people at this juncture. I am cool with this phase lasting a little while, and so is he, which is nice because I need some more time to get more comfortable with me/myself and also to figure out what I want. Except in reality I know that I want it to be more eventually, I'm just cautious of moving too quickly and simultaneously fearful of getting hurt.

2/11

2/10

How can I feel so relaxed and at ease, and still feel so incredibly on fire at the same time? Is it hot in here???!

2/09

First World Problems:
-when you hate all of your underwear because they make your butt look fat.
-your keratosis is worse than ever since you started running. UGH. I just read that the extreme exfoliation I've been doing is probably making it worse and not better. I hate this fucking disease.
-all I wanted this week was a red bra to match my marvel panties. And target had literally ZERO red bras. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Tonight is an I'm A Woman kind of night. In a nothing-that-is-part-of-my-body-is-okay kind of way. I hate nights like this. Plus side, I walked by my mirror (which I avoid when I'm feeling like this) and saw my glasses and they made me happy. I have pretty bomb glasses.

Also I got this new shirt, and my cat put a hole in it. It was on sale so can't return. Whatever I'm wearing it tomorrow anyway.

Alright moving on, as I try not to dwell on my bad moods.

If I'm being completely naked and vulnerable and honest here, and why not, I like this guy. This super secret nobody-gets-to-know-who-he-is guy (hahahahaha). Lets call him Fabulous. I think Fabulous is fantastic, and I think he thinks I'm okay. Sometimes I tell myself I don't even really know Fabulous all that much, but maybe I'm confusing being completely involved in my ex's life and his family and living with him as the only real way to know someone? I do think there is plenty more to know about Fabulous, but maybe I know him alright. I don't remember where I was going with this.

Oh right. I like this guy. So we are still just feeling each other out, and "nothing" has happened yet, but I definitely like him. And my crazy girl brain is definitely having a field day with, you know, all of it. The feelings, and the logic, and the feelings versus the logic. And I definitely think in a week or two I'll be saying I definitely don't just want to have fun, and I'm scared of that. Getting hurt. I don't think Fabulous would hurt me, but people definitely can't hurt you unless you let them in.

Anyway so that's where I'm at right now. There's a war going on in my head.

Oh. Another thing. I definitely don't need a guy. Welcome to the reason I broke up with my ex, both a year ago and then again 6 months ago. I don't want to change my plans for a guy, or limit myself for a guy. I'm a unicorn and I don't belong in a cage or hiding in some horse clothes. I'm strong and independent, and all that. But really, actually, I feel that and believe it and its great. But also, who says I have to change plans or limit myself for a guy? Maybe I could have both? Maybe I could have a guy, and be a unicorn?

2/07

That moment when you are thinking about taking a fat night and going out to eat some terrible food, but you are changing out of your work clothes and as you stand in front of your mirror naked, you're like "damn, girl. You look good! Lets not overdo the food since we're going out on Friday."

2/06

Body Positivity. I feel like, I never really understood the meaning of this term. I feel like, maybe I knew that it meant being comfortable in your own skin, and maybe I even felt like I had that. But, and many things seem to tie back to this, once removed from my relationship for a while, I realize that any positivity I felt towards my body was based on if my ex was having sex with me. And that goes right back to the beginning. To the dynamic that was our entire relationship. To the fact that he viewed me as a mediocre human being who had a rockin body, and a super nice hole to stick himself in. And based on his view of me, I viewed myself that way. I mean, how could I not? How could I love myself when my "love story" was "boy decides he might as well date girl because she's the easiest choice"?

Then all of the sudden, post breakup, I'm realizing that, FUCK, I am a DAMN FIERCE kind of human being absolutely regardless of if anyone is having sex with me. Its magical. It also immediately translates to genuine self-love, including my body. I want to take care of my body, and love it, and fuck everyone else I don't need any of them to love it. Now I have my own love story. "Girl realizes that she is so much more than just the easiest choice and leaves boy and LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER." Its quite the empowering sort of feeling.

Rewind, to my ex thinking I'm mediocre. In the words of Hermione Granger,

"What, an, idiot."

2/05

I firmly believe that a coping mechanism I used in response to the incredibly lackluster sex life of my previous relationship was weight gain. And my inability to lose weight consistently was of course a lack of motivation, due to my relationship. When you're a.) not being satisfied b.) as a result of a, focusing hard on not straying and c.) trying to make yourself smaller in order to make your partner hate themselves less, it's really hard to stay motivated to better yourself at all.

Now let me be clear. I am not trying to absolve myself of any guilt. I am an adult, I make my own choices, I was not completely out of control, but I do believe that my relationship severely limited my ability to better myself due to its dynamic.

As a result, post break-up, of course, I quickly found that I had more drive than ever to do the things I kept putting off in order to not surpass my partner.

FYI, I have also realized that mindset is insane and will not be putting myself in that position ever again. If you need someone to make themselves smaller for you, then there's something wrong with you, and I'm not sticking around for it.

ANYWAY, this past week I was able to accomplish two things:
-I ran 4 miles straight
-I lost my 10th pound

Now, regarding that 10th pound, I slowed my roll consistently this past week as far as food goes, so that 10th pound was only an extra half pound lost and took me a whole week. This week I went grocery shopping and food prepped and am thrilled to get back to hitting the pavement, both metaphorically and physically.

I gained a decent chunk of weight after starting at my current job, and have now gotten down to only needing to lose 6 more pounds to be at the weight I was at almost 3 years ago. This is very exciting for me, and I hope to accomplish that by the end of this month.

It is also important for me here to say that numbers are not a primary factor in my body health. So long as I am above what my healthy BMI is, the numbers do matter, but I'm not looking for a specific end goal other than superior body fitness. But in order to drastically reduce my risk of heart disease, I do need to lose about 25 more pounds from where I am right now, as well as about another 2 pant sizes (going off of estimated waist circumference at those sizes).

That being said, my other goals are to get to running 7 miles straight and losing 1 of those pant sizes this month :) I believe I am on track for all 3 of my numbers goals right now. Thoroughly looking forward to the time when I am more within my healthy numbers ranges so that I can focus on other things like flexibility, core strength, and mental/emotional health.

2/04

For about 24 hours once a week, I don't think or worry about anything but a man, a bed, and what we are going to do in it.

Half the time after I leave I feel excited. The other half I experience panic/dread/being unsure. I know that some of these feelings are linked to my general, just being unable to stop and smell the flowers without trying to analyze them afterward, but the rest I have attributed to a strong sense of the too-good-to-be-trues, which is a HUGE OVERSTATEMENT of saying I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop because I'm not used to interacting with well-adjusted adults on a more personal level. In any event, I'm enjoying myself, and all my cards are out on the table now so if he doesn't like them I do also feel I'm in a good spot to take that well.

Assuming he's cool with the cards, I gave him the green light tonight so PLEASE GOD let him, in the words of Natasha Romanova, "Run With It."

And can I just say? Well-adjusted adults are fantastic. Trust, communication, and a general feeling of being relaxed, are just a few words/ phrases I have never had the pleasure of basking in. It's really enlightening to me that these feelings could cause me anxiety because they are so foreign. They certainly shouldn't be.

Lets talk cards for a moment. My trump card is the two year plan. The get-the-hell-outta-dodge plan. That's the big scary one, because it basically says this will absolutely have an expiration date. That being said though, I'm still interested in more than just a throwaway thing, and he seemed open to it, though neither of us knows really what that means. What I didn't say about the card, was the VERY BOLD lettering on the back that says something like "optional," due to a feeling of comfort in the last couple of months I'd say with my current city. Now that I'm out in the city experiencing it, I don't dislike it so much, and so long as living here allowed me to travel outside of here for vacations and exciting excursions, I wouldn't mind staying. I felt it was important to leave that out though, because I do not want to put any you-could-change-my-mind vibes out there or give false advertising when in reality, regardless of my love for my city, I may be forced to leave anyway in order to move up in my career.

These are my general thoughts. Normally I'd put them in my google document journal, but what the heck, I'm a 17-year-old livejournaler again, so I might as well partake.

2/02

Some fabulously fantastic things happened today, none that I will share with the group.

Did you know that being in the driver's seat is, like, the most ridiculous thing in the whole world? I mean, hey, lets take a moment to appreciate being in control of my own life and destiny and body and all that junk, but.

My BFF says to me "Sara, JUST DO IT," but its like I'm back in high school, and I'm standing in front of this boy that I've had an enormous crush on and he's like "what?" and I'm just standing there, and I open my mouth, and I close it again, and I open it again, and he laughs at me. (True Story.)

Man, high school sucked.

This doesn't suck, though. I mean its plenty enjoyable. But I'm sitting in the driver's seat and my heart is pounding and my skin is on fire and THE FUCKING SHIFT STICK IS STUCK AND IT WONT MOVE and I keep revving the engine but I can't actually get the damned bus to go anywhere because I'm too terrified.

But I'm not terrified.

So what am I afraid of? And why can't I just convince myself to jump over the damned cliff for once in my life?

Behold, my third livejournaling.

2/01

So I have this ex, lets call him He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.
Most people have heard this story.
So we decided we would be friends when we broke up, because, you know, we were together a million years even though it probably should have ended at three.
So he was pretty terrible to me with the initial couple of months of the breakup. Most people don't know that part, but now its backstory.
So anyway, eventually I'm fine, as goes, you know, existing without being dragged down every single day.
And when I'm fine I realize that we are -not- friends.
I mean no hard feelings, but if I went over to his house, he would want to have sex. And most people know about how I felt about the sex, so, why bother going over, am I right? Besides that, I'm kind of not sure trying something new? And speaking of which, if I ever started dating anyone, he'd flip his lid and definitely never want to talk to me again.

Side note: he has SO MANY naked pictures of me. And I guess he's just going to have them forever and there's nothing I can do about that? Because I've been told by him multiple times since the breakup that he uses them and that's... you know, whatever it is. Weird.

Anyway, so this week I've been feeling kind of badly, because I definitely let him have it (in a non-aggressive way). More backstory: starting about 2 weeks ago he flipped out, decided being alone sucked and he wanted me back. All that ridiculousness. But everyone knows that story. So anyway, to the non-aggressive making my point at him: He asked me a question that I know he knows the answer to (when are these bills due?) while I was doing what I thoroughly enjoy doing on Friday nights. I did not respond to him for a full 24 hours. During this time he contacted me again through a different method to try and ask this question again. I didn't apologize for taking so long to respond, and he didn't inquire. And he hasn't said a word to me since.

Cue the guilt. Should I check up on him and make sure he's okay, try and be a friend? It hasn't been impacting me too much, but you know, like when your grandma nags at you to wear more makeup. You're not going to do it, but it's annoying. Plus, my BFF is ALWAYS friends with her exes, so I was feeling like maybe I was doing something wrong. Well, I have this other bomb-tastic lady friend, and she says:

"Girl, no. A.) he was a total dick to you when you were going through your hard time post breakup. You already know that you guys aren't friends. B.) based on your prior relationship and the way he treated you during, he would probably try to guilt you into doing something you don't want to do any why put yourself into that situation?"

Or something like that.

Anyway, she said that and I was like

"HELL YES YOU'RE RIGHT FUCK HIM (no hard feelings) I DON'T OWE HIM ANYTHING AND HE -WAS- A DICK TO ME I can now exist guilt free."

Anyway, that's what happened to me today. It was nice.

Check it out, I livejournaled again.

PS: kind of not sure trying something new? guy is fabulously fantastic.

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