I've got some anxiety today. Post having such a shitty shitty relationship, I'm terrified of staying when I'm miserable. I know I need to get out of my head. I'm not miserable right now, and not in an outwardly type of way, but in a complete and whole kind of way I'm not miserable. But I could be. I could be made miserable.
What's the point of all of this? Why do we let people in? I prevent myself from getting hurt by shutting down and building walls. By the time I broke up with Josh, I had built up so many walls, I didn't even love him anymore (you know, if ever). I want to go into this with a plan, but there is no plan. Life doesn't stick to your plans. I could just build walls and stop everything with Frank right now. Cut the head off the dragon before it gets too big to fight. I could do that, and right now it seems like quite the safest option.
Why do I do this?
The obvious response to these anxieties is to laugh at myself. To remind myself that someone's probably going to get hurt. And it's probably going to be me. But that's the thing about these things. It's always more fun to just do them and hurt afterward.
But I'm scared.