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5/06

I'm shocked by how much I love this man.

I mean. Obviously I was doomed from the start, you know. How can you resist a God-like legend, but.

I used to marvel at the passion I felt for Annabelle. And Jake. At how thinking of her made my heart ache. I always sat back and wondered, was it because she's my blood? Is that why I felt that way for her and not Josh?

Then entered Jake. At that point my relationship was so far over that I didn't actually care anymore.

But. It was him, not me. Love is love. It fills you up. I never thought I'd feel as passionate for anyone as I do about that kid and my dog. I was wrong.

Old/New

Reddington's bodyguard was just shot and killed. Moment of silence.

Alright. So.

My last relationship was a lot more toxic than I originally thought.
First, I broke up with him. I thought it was just because he refused to figure out if he would ever want to get married or have Annabelle/ a kid with me. I thought, everything else in our relationship is fine, but Annabelle, she's the deal breaker.
Then, I realized, ahahaha, I had convinced myself that Annabelle was the deal breaker, in order to get myself out.
Good for me.
Moving forward, I find myself, love myself, enter Frank, we've all heard this story before.
Over the last couple of weeks I have, in experiencing this new relationship, discovered even more that Josh did to me, that I never even considered would effect my future interactions.

1.) Josh got together with me when he and Mary broke up the first time. We spent a beautiful two months together. The entire time he was not over Mary, and I knew it. And it hurt me. The last two weeks, he didn't even try to hide it. The last night, we went to a movie together. Across the Universe. I loved it. He loved it. He thought about Mary the whole time. When I took him home after the movie, he didn't kiss me goodbye, and that's when I knew it was over. He went back to her that night. (Then went back to me a year later.)
-This week I experienced a sort of anxiety, that I realized was fear that Frank wasn't over something that never really happened in the first place. It was a small amount of anxiety. Miniscule, even. But I noticed it was there. I realized it was due to Josh breaking my heart by being with me while he was in love with another person, and I was able to move past it. But it happened.

2.) And this will be a constant problem, probably for a long while, that will take a lot of work and mindfullness on my part to get past. Josh hated it when I cried. (And generally experienced any sort of emotion, if we're being honest.) He would just look at me. When my grandpa died, this reaction that he had came to a head. I was so distraught that I was suicidal. And I would cry when Josh was too wrapped up in his computer games to notice. Or in my car. Or just when he wasn't home, I would collapse on the floor and lay with Jake and cry. I would go to bed early and sob into my pillow while he was in the other room. I would cry silently in the middle of the night while he slept next to me. I would go to the bathroom and cry so that he didn't see. We attempted to work on this after I broke up with him the first time, but it was truly too late. How do you undo years of someone hating it when you cry? Anyway, in periods of high stress or emotional discomfort, I now pull away. I don't cry in front of others. I don't want to be touched. I make myself numb to everything around me. This weekend, I've been very high stress because of a situation at work, and I've felt myself shutting down multiple times. I did talk myself through my feelings and make sure to keep lines of communication open, but I imagine I have a long road ahead of me here. I guess I should count myself lucky that I don't have any more grandparents that could die. But if I ever cry in front of Frank, that'll certainly be a big momentous occasion, little will he know how truly important that moment is.

Anyway, those are two things I've discovered in the last couple of weeks that are caused by my old relationship, that I didn't realize before would have a lasting impact.

Also, turns out his bodyguard didn't die. <3

4/30

Today is the last day of April. Today marks one third of this year, 2017, gone. This year has easily been my favorite thus far. I can't wait to see what else happens before it ends.

April, especially, was quite the whirlwind. I finished my fitness challenge, went on a trip, fell in love, met new friends, played new games, tried new foods, gameplanned for reducing my debts, and decided to do another fitness challenge in May. Yeah, that's a lot. It has been truly fantastic. In May I hope to lose 10 pounds, get myself back up to running 5 miles a stretch, and save some serious cash due to not spending all the time (or, honestly, ever). I'll be running after work now, which will mean starting at roughly 10pm, so I wont ever want to do more than 5 miles, because I just can't afford to be out that late, but 5 miles 3-4 days a week plus hitting the gym 3 mornings a week is a sufficient amount, in my book.

This challenge I have allowed myself a small amount of wiggle room, in order to encourage me to eat healthier normally as well. These small adjustments are...
-salmon
-bananas (minimal of these)
-cholula
-zucchini
-tomato sauce (minimal of this, and sauce with no added sugar)
This challenge will also go through until the end of June, so probably during the month of June I will work on tracking my caloric intake, in order to get into the habit of that, as well.

I also have a nice long list of date things that Frank and I can do, that do not involve food, haha. But honestly, one thing I love about Frank, is that he's content doing anything together, like going to the dog park and/or taking a walk. And just beig with him makes anything special.

I seriously cannot wait to lose 20 more lbs. I'll be so close to my goal at that point. I'll also no longer be considered overweight according to BMI, and I'll be able to say that I've lost 50 lbs since January 2016.

4/23

I spent 8 years in a relationship where I was constantly being pulled down or held back. I honestly thought that's how relationships go. That holding someone's hand, means holding it to drag them forward in life (which slows you down) or means holding it while they actively pull you backwards in life.

So when I finally left, I was able to first experience peace.

Then freedom.

Then happiness.

I honestly thought that that's what relationships mean. That you get held back. That you take away a piece of yourself to make room for someone else.

So, having discovered how much I loved all of me, I realized that I was happy alone. Purely fantastic. And that clearly alone is how I was supposed to be. If I wanted to get laid, I knew I could do it. If I wanted a kid in the future, I knew I could do that too. Alone.

But then, enter Frank.
And I was so afraid of being held down and letting go of some of myself. But he was fantastic and I fell in love so I did it anyway, took the risk, jumped in.

So far he has only added to my happiness. So far he doesn't hold me back. So far he helps me move forward, even.

Frank has introduced to me happiness I didnt know existed. I know that he's felt it before and lost it, so he's more scared than I am. He knows how good it feels and also how awful it feels to lose. And I do have a little voice in my head, still reminding me that I could get hurt, that this could rip me apart. But for the most part, I'm floating around on a sparkly rainbow cloud because this whole thing is magical and the fact that I finally understand what people mean when they talk about how great it all is, well that is a priceless gem that, regardless of the degree of heartbreak should it come, makes it all completely worth it.

4/21

Me, 6 weeks ago: "I really hope I'm able to heal Frank's heart, but I really don't think there's any fixing mine. Not for a long time anyway."

Me, lately: "I can finally connect to this TV cheese moment because I relate to it! What is this!? This RAINBOW IN MY LIFE!"

That's the short version of this whole experience. It's been beautiful. I wish it for everyone.

4/16

This is a secretive sort of proclamation, because I don't want to be one of those girls that says her boyfriend is the best boyfriend three weeks into dating him, but...

Yeah, he pretty much is.

4/13

Well, today I let myself admit to myself that I fell down the rabbit hole, and I'm terrified about it. I feel like I'm drowning in happiness, and fear, and I have a sick certainty that I'm going to get ripped apart. I don't even know what else to say about it. I'm afraid of... everything. How every beginning has an end. Of being in over my head. Of myself, analyzing everything, like I am right now. Of my own heart. Of being blinded by the cheese and not being able to see the forest, failing to leave. Of missing out on something because I'm too afraid to take it. Of how beautiful he is.

If there's a con to trying something new, it's what I'm going through right now.

4/07

This whole thing is new. And new means uncertain. And uncertain means... I can be nervous, overanalyze, and feel insecure. I know it is just a symptom of the newness. I know that he's not bored with me,  I'm pretty sure he's not feeling overwhelmed by me, but, regardless, I stress.

So tonight, I stress.
Tomorrow, I drink. And sing. Ah, it is overdue.

4/06

Well, I just finished 13 Reasons Why. I didn't want to watch this show, because I felt like it looked pretty ridiculous, and at the end of it, I did basically feel like it was pretty ridiculous. I also almost threw up while watching the last episode, that was not pleasant.

Went blue-haired yesterday. So far, its alright. Its not purple, but everyone at work has liked it.

Things are going really well with Frank. I adore spending time with him. We're branching out and doing more things. Last week, we went to A Mountain, this week we went for a walk. And on a dinner date! And the getting out of the house, if even just for a short time, is like, the cherry on top of the already completely iced cake.

On Tuesday, I'm heading over to his place to sleep, after which we will wake around 1am and head towards Lake Havasu. Get breakfast somewhere, arrive at the lake shortly after sunrise, do whatever we want, and head back on Thursday to make sure he's home around dinner time so that he can go to bed :) I'm really excited about this.

All of it.

4/02

Today was great. It was relaxed. I weighed in for my 6 weeks, and then went to costco and bought WHATEVER I WANTED and ate it :)

Frank and I hung out in his bed and watched Gravity  (ehhhh) and The Martian (fantastic!). I adore just laying around with him. Seriously, its incredibly underrated. I just want to do that forever.

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